On 2004-02-29 at 4:33 a.m., lynx86 said:
ok i have to warn you guys......anyone that is offended by anything christian stop right here. there ive warned you,if you pass this point,then i hope you are prepared.
i have recently been pondering something. for the last year? year and a half? i have been living in pain. for a long while i have been letting myself believe it was pain in losing the love of my life,but,for the last month or two i have sort of been trying to force myself to realize what it really is.let me give you a little info on the subject.from the time i was 7,i was encouraged to experiment in religion. baptist,adventist,mormon,and even a few community churches saw me enter their sanctuary,to praise the lord,and visit their beliefs.then around age 17,i became devoutly adventist,largely because of events that occured,i may or may not expound on that. if i do,youll know of it.when i became a devout adventist,i began going to a church called samoan tokelau. this church was totally samoan,until our little group joined.you see,our pastor,was the sweetest of men,and very devout in his beliefs. one thing about several of the churches we went to,was that they did not uphold the beliefs to the full extent. they tried more to please the newcomer to increase tithes and offerings then to preach the truth. he didnt.later that year,i went on a crusade with this man,and his evangelical team,and met a young woman,who i will refer to as Jenn. Jenn was coming to the meetings and we quickly began to become good friends. now i had been warned to avoid any advances made by the young women attending these meetings,but for her i made one exception.i exchanged phone numbers with her,and after the crusade we began to talk more. i asked her out and after 8 months of knowing her,asked her to marry me.then my foster mother decided to go on a trip to california.what you have to know,is that where we were was Hawaii,this was no small trip.especially because she had her son,five adopted kids,myself,and herself,this was a large trip.well when we got to california,i had called ahead and spoken to my grandparents who lived about 400 miles north of where we were going. my foster mother agreed to send me up there,and i went and saw my grandparents. while i was up there,i kept in touch with my then fiance.my grandmother knew what was happening,and how things were going,but shes meddlesome. one thing you must know of my grandmother,despite what she says,is that she loves the heck out of spoiling me. i was always more like her little boy then her grandson. we arent really related,as shes my grandfathers wife after my grandmother but youd never know it,as shes never been anything but my gramma.but as i said,she loves spoiling me,but she will never admit it(shes half german,half italian,and born and raised in brooklyn,so shes a feisty one too). whil i was there i showed her a picture of my fiance.big mistake,but one id make again if i had the chance. my grandmother, despite not having seen me for about 13 yrs, knows me well.she knows my tastes.her exact words(and yes Hcatty,i prolly should have told you this be4,but nvm that) "were, oh you like them plump huh? i have the perfect woman for you." one thing ppl love to rag me on is that, yes,i do like my women to be how shall we say larger then most men like them.if i can hug them with my elbows,then theyr too small.but back to my story. she went and got out a picture of three women.it was a mother and two daughters.the mother was sitting with her daughters standing behind her.the mother was a beautiful woman,and had obviously passed this on to her daughters.the first and oldest daughter,was tall and pretty,while being neitehr skinny nor large,and she had a great smile,the great looks that many men find appealing. i do find her appealing,however.....the third woman sent me into rapture. she was indeed a little large,and she had the sweetest, most open smile ive ever seen.her personality shone from her face lighting up the whole picture,and making everything about her personality known. this alone was enough to start making me fall in love with this woman.now considering i was engaged at the time,it felt wrong,especially when i found out she had a boyfriend of two years.i fought it,but my grandmother used her wiles to get the two of us talking(i didnt say the two of you had to have a relationship,thats just what youve got in mind!)and talk we did. we would talk clear into the night including the nights gramma would leave the two of us on,and go to bed,wishing me a goodnight.one morning we stayed up till 6 o clock her time.iv never believe in long distance relationships,or wanted one,till then.i had decided to move,and so i broke it off with my fiance,as i had several problems with it. i could not ask her to come with me,it wasnt my place.i was living in a class c motorhome,at my grandparents house,and it would not have been right,for her and i to live together in such a small place,unmarried,as well as this was too small a space to ask any woman to live in for a man,nvm she was willing,my conscious would not allow it. my other reason,was well,my experience with the woman my gramma had introduced me to,was too much.how do you stop the fairytale,when you want it badly?it was the first time in my life i ever knew really what love was,and felt it for another person outside of the everyday family feelings.so i moved to california,but even tho,i did not move simply for her,as one she lived elsewhere,in another state,and two she was still taken by a man of two years..but she did have some influence in it.over a little time we became the type of friends that it does not feel right to not talk at least once a day.i began to have heavy phone bills,but it was worth every penny.then one day she gave me news that i had been the happiest ever to hear:they had broken up. now i say this because that was my initial emotion:gladness. but i could tell she was broken up over it,and so sadness for her came to the forefront and i stifled my gladness.over time we got even closer,and i helped her through her breakup.two or three times the ex boyfriend contacted me,and we had words,but other then that,everything went well for her and i.then one day,we got to talking,and she encouraged me to ask her out.so i stammered out the question,and we began our relationship as a couple.we had the sayings, the lttle pet words,and all the things that mattered in a relationship.we also had our religion. we never discussed it,since as many of you know,religion can sometimes be the deciding factor in a relationship,but my religious beliefs were slowly changing.i was no longer adventist.my religion was becoming its own,my own relationship with god.and it was a good one.he had blessed me with everything,being near my grandparents,to fulfill my dreams,for i had always wanted to be near them,they lived in a country area,and ive always been,not quite the exact country boy,but a country lover.i had a job,i got my license,everything was going smooth,but it was not to last.there was two secrets i had held back from her,for i had lost my virginity the day be4 i moved back to california.i had gone back to handle the little loose ends,and had lost my virginity there.after i had begun to fall in love with the woman of my dreams.and the other was that i had been arrested just be4 she met me.she had come along in a time of turmoil,and even tho i had my christian relationship,it was still newly born.we resolved it even tho it felt to us both like i had cheated on her.then she met someone. someone who acted so like me it maddened me.he was the next town over,and began to win her over,swinging around all the time,and coming on as a friend,it was as if he had read our past and was duplicating it.he won her over finaly,to where she had a choice to make,and i gave it to her:him or me,but know that ill always be here for you,no matter what.she chose me.then it all went on again,and she chose him.i began to feel hurt,but i held steady,with hope.i even called him up and let him know,that i love her,and would not stop telling her,and id always be there for her,and if he didnt like it, tough.he said ok,and i went my way.they broke up sometime later,and i began to have more hope.then i met someone who started trying to sededuce me,and well to make it a short story,we ended up in the backseat of my car in an orchard.i finaly had to tell her,and it broke everything.we broke,up,i mean where id had hope be4 she said it was over.this was it.i got angry,but i didnt unleash it on her,i cussed into a pillow because shes sensitive about cussing. she heard anyway,so she knew what was going on. from there on,my religious life went nowhere. it just stopped.didnt exist anymore, boom,thats it,gone.i put up a weak front,but even while i did that i stopped going to church,and began criusing the streets,with my friend. we would terrorize the town,even to the point of going out with food items and pelting cars. i even once threw a full a&w at a fully customized honda. i had no morals really. my grandparents could tell what was going on,gramma knew,tho she didnt know the details.gradually,we started talking again,but the hope was gone,and so was my religion. i loved her still,just as much but a broken heart was all that was on my mind. kind of selfish to the lord huh? i mean i was happy to serve him when we were together,but....when things werent going my way? it got to the point,where i lost my three jobs,broke my hand,and began living on the street,my gramma couldnt stand me any more.i tried to join the military,but it ddnt work,they wouldnt accept me.my gramma had accepted me back home on the condition that i be serious about the military,when it didnt go thru she gave me some time to get on my feet,but things went down again,meanwhile,i got a job,at bk,cut my cast off myself,as it was giving me rashes,and then got kicked out again.i left on good terms,tho,and after a little while figured out how to live on the streets.christianity did not fit into that.at least not into my life on the street.i managed to end up living with a friend from work for a little while,got my own place,and started renting a room from an old lady.this brings you up to a few months ago.while i was there,i began to work on my christian life,as i felt it was time to face it,i mean someone was trying to say something
in the span of one week id had someone ask me to sing in a christian band,it didnt go thru however,but also that week,i met a girl who could sing like an angel,had several ppl,STRANGERS tell me i should be in a chior,and began thinking about a career in music,it was then i decided it was time to figure things out.well now two months later,ive moved to los angeles with my brother and granny,(the son and mother of my foster mom,who i consider actual family)and am still working on my christianity.now to answer some questions the love of my life has asked in her journals i havent read until now,as i had given up.(hope is back by the way)to answer your questions,my love,the reason you mother me is because you care,and you would not be you if you didnt.its one of the things that made me love you.you CARE.as for my friends,i know they arent the best,and ive been working on one certain one for a while,trying to tame him.....but it became him working on me. he got a girlfriend,and i started seeing signs in him of what i had had.he was in love,in genuine love.they broke up(shes a feisty one,not my type....but she is pretty,he made a good choice there....)and he began to fall apart. i then decided to take your role in his life.since then all ive done is sit back and watch,catching him when he needed it,and answering his questions when he asked them.you and i have become his role models. he wants his love to last as ours has,and best of all his christian life began to flourish with her.you see,shes a full christian. shes never known what it is to have to think about it,its been ingrained in her since birth,whats right and wrong BIBLICALY. she was trully wonderfull for him.hes now struggling with what i have been,and i wish him the best as im not there now.as for my religious life...it needs healing,and here is why i have put this in my diary.....i am ready to rededicate my life to christ.i am asking for the help of any and all christians out there,who may read this,i would apperciate all of your prayers,in my effort to live my life for him once again.a large part of the reason i moved was to handle things in a bigger scope,and start over.i was in large debt,and he has blessed me with the ends to handle these things,i am now down from 3000 to 4000 dollars debt,to 600.he has been truly blessing me,and its time i begn to live for him once again,and stop blaming this on my having lost the love of my life. for one i didnt lose her,she is still here,and for two,it had nothing to do with it.it had to do with a child,acting like a child,and throwing a tantrum when his favorite thing is taken from him.and so i ask for all of your prayers.i also wish to quote the bible here,in romans 5:3-5 3and not only so,but we glory in tribulations also:knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4and patience,experience;and experience,hope:
5and hope maketh not ashamed;because the love of god is shed abroad in our hearts by the holy ghost which is given unto us.
i shall not be saddened by the trials,but when they came,i should have loved him more,not deprived him of my love.....and so i ask for his forgiveness.
lord i pray,if it is in your heart,to forgive me....for all my selfishness,and lord if it is in your will that i have the things i want then i shall,and lord if you want me for your work,then lord make it known.......i repent my lord and savior,in your name,Jesus Christ my lord,and father...i pray that you will forgive me......