On 2004-04-15 at 3:15 a.m., lynx86 said:

*sigh* well im back for a while,at least till the demon awakens in ths computer once again.....watch it happen whilst im typing,*sigh* twould figure.....LOL. well this will be a jubmled entry today,since ive got a bit to catch up on,lol

well ive been working with the man named Gilbert at work,offloading the leveler,this great huge machine that takes coils of steel and flattens it,to create sheets of steel,and so at any given time i might have up to and exceeding 15 tons over my head in sheer weight........*grin* i call it hell,but its getting enjoyable.ive been getting offers foir my van of late,as well as offers of a different car and cash in exchange for the van(im thanking goid he blesed me with the love of sound,not just the love of music,but of sound,in its entirety....hehehe,the man insists that the sterio stays in it,and is offering at leas 200 dollars extra for the van with the sounds....thank you lord,this couldnt have come at a bettere time. this might be mine and Q's ticket out of here. my job gives a guy a lot of time to think,since much of the time is spent walking slowly to keep up pace with the overhead crane.

for instance i ended up fully disecting my thoughts of a woman i once trie to date. pitiful really,the same thought always pops to mind when i think of her,usually something to do with great....all that work and my reward is a slap in the face.......it never has dawned on me till today,that my thoughts on that woman are about the same as Hcatty's on Mr. B........we shal;l call her Joan. you see,Joan was a woman i knew through a friend of mine,from church. my friend had become like a sister to me,and we had bonded on a trip to six flags with the church we went to. on this trip came a woman who sort of shocked the senses. mexican and white,she was a great sight.hehehe,yes i was trempted to flirt that day,but she was taken,and waiting for her man to propose to her.so i kept to my thoughts of Hcatty......LOL like they ever would have l;eft my head anyways....

but turns out this woman was like a sister to my "sister",and so we all hung out together that day.thing about the two of them is,theyr so outgoing,you forget you dont know one of them. that day we all had a blst i drove Joan nuts,LOL,like when she tried to run away and sit down on the other side of the bus,id go over and sit next to her just to mess with her.

after that day i never really saw her again for a long while,she never was aroun d my sister when i was so we neverer got to knopw each other beyond that day.but as fate would have it,later on we got to meet again,and i admitted to her id had a crush on her for a little while after that day.LOL she was kind of disgusted about that,lol so we just made it into a joke.she was trying to get me to date a friend of hers,and all that jazz.

in the time between the trip to six flags and then she had gotten married,to the man she loved,and her parents had signed for it to happen,as she had been 17 at the time. the man had won everyones trust so much they all trusted him.

well,we ended up exchanging email addresses,and emailing each other occassionaly,until she just stopped sending.

i had forgotten her for the most part when one day an email popped up from her.i read it and it contained her phone number,which she had never given me because her hubby was sucha jealous type,nd her mother could be quite the pain.but she asked me in that email to call her immediately. as it was about a week old,i used the library phone to call her. turns ut her hubby had gone to south carolina,and had sex with a hooker,called her and told her he didnt love her wanted a divorce,andloved the hooker. she wanted me to come over so she could have someone to taljk to,because she had alienated herself from all her male friends because of this guy. dont ask me why it had to be a male friend,let alone me,the guy shed ,met about twice,but i gave in. i said ok,and she called my sister,to make sure i was trustworthy,which should have bothered me,lol,but it didnt really. she was vulnerable at the time after all.so,i took her out,constantly over the next week or two.in all i spent over three hundred dollars on her in two weeks.

we were making trips to Sacremento,hanging out in Yuba City,anything but staying at her place. you see he would call her every day to ask if she had gotten the paper work done,and to cuss her out,and insult her basically make her feel worthless.this irritatedme to no end,and made me want to grab the phone from her when i was around,but i stayed out of it,and simply comforted her,and kept her mother mollified with thoughts of someone having a behind the barn chat with the guy when he got back into town.

one of my biggest weaknesses,is that ive always had a sopft spot for women. not sexually(althought,yes that spot does exist,im human,yes...)but for women who are mistreated.my father used to beat my mother and i was helpless,and didnt know what was going on at the time,and so i do what i can to help any woman in trouble now as a result.

well,i maneaged to cheer this woman up,all the time,just taking her out,giving her surprises,basically just treating her with respect and kindness.

as im sure youve guessed,the inevitable happened. my softspot overgrew itself,into the beginnings of love for this woman.to give you a time about this,it was at the same time that Hcatty and i had broken up,and she was dating someone else.

when something is bothering me,i usually get very quiet,if i feel i cant discuss it with someone,or shouldnt discuss it with someone.well,she noticed i was beginning to get quoiet all the time around her. her very presence made me realize every time that my feelings for her were not staying purely friendship.she was a feisty one,and would get very irritated when id be quiet,because she thought i was angry with her, or something. so finally she made me tell her what had been riding on my mind so heavily.

in he weeks prior to this we had been going dress shopping for her,and basically getting things all ready for her to go to prom,as she was escorting a friend of hers. so the day she dragged it out of me,was also the day of the prom.i had taken her dress shopping,shoe shopping,out on a date,accesory shopping,and gotten her a rose to taketo the prom........

it put a smile on her face,and she thanked me for telling her,and said i had made her day a great day.

so we got her to her friends house,where the two of them got ready,both of them looking grewat in their dresses,and i took pictures of her in her dress and all the things to go with it. i felt like the doting boyfriend.....i had felt like she actually liked the idea of me having these feelings for her.

she went to the prom,and had a good time.i didnt see her for a few days,since they had spent the night at a hotel,with a bunch of the other girls who went.

she finally called me up,and we went back to hanging out,taking her out to eat,that sort of thing,all the while battling her anger and feelings topward her hubby/his actions and words towards her.i dealt with being told not to stand in such a way,dont look at her such a way,al;l these things that reminded her of him,and the things he used to do to her.

it went so far that i even loaned her my playstation,because she loved final fantasy 7,and i hadit on the station,and she had no station.it all blew upwhen i told her i was considering the army.she was violently against it. her brother had went,and come back changed,her hubby had went and had done what he had done.several other men had went,and all had come back changed,abnd as far as she was concerned none of them for the better.

i met her brother and his wife,her parents,her neice and nephew,as much family as was around to meet.she spoke with my grandmother,and they got along real well too. i think my grandmother actually would have approved,under largely different circumstances.shes always known how much i loved Hcatty,so she knew i was still in love with her,no matter what else was happening with any other woman. so i think she was just sort of stepping back while i dealt with my hurt over what hd happened in that court,but giving me a bit of support in the other court as well. she could tell i was having other feelings than friendship for Joan,so she never beleived me when i said we were just friends..

basically,this woman was becoming someone i cared for quite a bit,as well as she was beggining to feel for me.

then one day after church i called her up,and asked if i could come over.and she dropped a bombshell.the conversation went something like this,actually i beleive this might be verbvatim. Me: Hey whatsup?

Her: not much

well,i was thinking about dropping by in a little bit..unless your going somewhere or something?

Her:im not sure that would be a good idea.

Me:uhmmmmmm,okkkk.......whats up?

Her: me and Brandon got back together.

Me:......*silence*......

Me: uh,ok....

Me(trying to save face and get the quick save as if not bothered,even though she already knew)well the main reason i wanted to stop by was top pick up my playstation....

Her: oh,well i suppose that woiuld be ok..

Me: cool,ill be by in a few

*click*

this girl had slapped me in the face.everything i had done for her,the feelings i had for her,the things i had gone through for her,everything i had given for this woman,all for nothing. not only was she pushing me away,she was going back to HIM.the anger was too much to show,so i blocked it all in. told only part of it even to one person.Hcatty. shes always understood what was happeneing in my head,for the most part,but it was too much to show,for now,so i held it in.

when i got there,she met me at the door,with bag in hand,to hand me my playstatiuon,all in the bag.i told her i was going to try for the army now,id made up my mind to do it.she got extremely angry at this,and began totell me if i did id never speak to her again,shed never see me again,id be nothing to her.everybit of her rection to the idea that her going back to him had made up my mind,was a gopuging bite,simply biting off chunks of my heart and mind.

i asked her,why if it bothered her so much that i was going into the militatry was she going back to him. her only answer was hes my husband.i knew she loved him,but......to think that any woman will take a man demeaning her that way and go back to him"because hes her husband"is disgusting to me.its too much to think that a persons happiness is subject to someone after they get married simply because they got married.i had taken her to get the divorce papers,had taken her to send them to him,had began to fall for her,had taken her out,cheetred her up,sent her to the prom to have a good time,spent countless hours to get her ensamble just right for the prom,stood beside her,cared for her,and put in so much effort that i lost myself in her emotions.......all to be told that it was wasted.that everything i had fought for for her was a senseless waste of my time,effort,money,feelings,and god knows what else.

i never heard from her after that except when i called her once to tell her i wasnt going into the military.i havemt heard from her since.

ever since that day,the thought of how i put so much forth to be shoved aside for a guy that treates the woman he professes to love like a peice of worthless garbage,drove me senseless for a long while. it settled down to the thought of everything for a slap in the face from her.......why wasnt i good enough? what happened? what did i do?and the thought that i was worth so little to her,that even when i told her that id stay her friend despite not agreeing with her choice......those thoughts all haunted me for a while.it does make you have to wonder though.she was faced with the choice of the man she loved,who cared enough to call her all sorts of names,screw around on the side,tell her blatanly to her face simply to hurt her,and ask for a divorce...or a man who was willing to give her the respect she wanted so badly,along with whatever he could along the way,as well as his feelings,which she was eginning to feel for him too.....and she chose the guy who demeans her,simply because hes her husband.

id say thats devotion,wouldnt you?

actually,that was the wrong word,id say thats stupidity,wouldnt you?

but what im driving at is this,the thought sort of clocked me upside the head. the same thought ive told Hcatty to let go,is in my head,about a woman who,didnt care enough to see what was in front of her.

im not trying to be egotistical,but i know im a good man,and the type of man many women wish they had.so when i say didnt care enough to see what was in front of her,i mean she didnt care enough to check to see if i was the type of man shes always wanted.

hmmm kinda gives the feeling of being used..........

ive decided to let it be,even if i saw her today,id wish her a good day and go on my merry way,thinking of the woman im completely and totaly in love with: Hcatty.

you see my strength to do this comes from my love for Hcatty,and the power of the lord,for he has made all things possible.

Tide In ~ Tide Out