On 2007-07-22 at 10:49 a.m., lynx86 said:

the things we do for the ones we love. we try to make the decisions we knopw to be worthwhile...we try to do ,make them happy,we try...and try ...and try....we never succeed.i have a woman who has been the first thing on my mind every morning for the past five years mad at me. its not that i dont undertsnad.. oh i do. dammit. i hate the fact i understand as a matter of fact...shes mad because she feels i exopect her to wait for me,for her to be standing there when im through doing the things she hates...sadly,i dont.she believes i got cold feet,when i proposed to her,and she thinks i quit on her because of that...that isnt it either... how can we be so misunderstood when we try for the things that matter? the things that,weve dereamt of for all our lives? the things weve wished,wonder,prayed for....its strange to me that,we cannot get things across to those we care for.five years ago,i decided to open my heart tio a woman,to give the things i never trusted to anyone,to that person. i gave it in love.i gave myself,the thoughts,hurts,feelings,and heart of myself,to this woman. i decided to go for it,despite all the hurt weve given each other,all the pain,and anguish.wev hurt each other a lot through the years,and its strange to think we both still love each other...but we do.we still care...weve cried...weveasked each other back numerous times...weve tried to make it work...but ive come to the conclusion that...if were still so unknown to each toehr after all these years,will we ever know each otehr?i never got cold feet....i began to think with the head god gave me...and began to realize that,if i was going to come into arelationship for the rest of my life,then id better make it a serious thing to me...because if i was going to marry her,it would be something that happened exactly once for either of us in our lives...and i wanted it to be the best that i could make it...and if that meant having to stay where i was ,away from her,to make omething of myself before going,then id do it...i came to the conclusion that mebbe what shed told me long ago was right....that she needed something to come into,to feel safe,and secure...not money,just something,.to show her that he would at least try his hardest to provide for her...if he didnt succeed,then oh well...at least hed TRIED...so i held off...and waited...i understand why she was mad then,...as i understand now...which angers me,because i dont want to understand,i want to be angry,to scream...to.....SOMETHING....but i cant. i simply understand.i made the choice i thought was for the best...and i hurt her...so now,i make choices for myself.i make choice to see about my life.if sometime in the future,i happen to have a shot,and im ready to take,i mean really ready,then ill take that shot...but for now,i think were done...im not ready.im not the man she needs...im not her future for now.i wish her luck,and all the love i have for her,in her life...she has my friendship for now if she wants it....only if its her desire....adieu Gene

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