On 2013-08-20 at 11:43 p.m.,
I'm having a hell of a day. It makes no sense and its driving me nuts. Let me make some sense of it all.
I guess this is one of those times I'm thankful no one reads this page anymore, at least that I know of.....and if you are, so be it dammit.the problem I have today is one that started long ago for me, but its come to a head today, in my heart and mind...
About a decade ago I fell in love with a woman, and its been the most powerful feeling I've ever had. Oddly enough, it even surpassed the emotion when my children were born.not that I'm proud of it, but that's the facts.through the years we had our ups and downs, and lost touch from time to time as we lived our lives, and it always hurts to think of the times we had and could have had, had I just stuck it out. But in a hard headed moment of hurt feelins I messed it up, and rather then fix the issue, I continued on, to eventually get another woman pregnant, and marry her, eventually having a second child as well.not that I regret my choices from the moment of finding out about my daughter, and its been a good marriage, not one that you dream of certainly, but a good one. Weve worked through our problems and so far done well.I don't regret those particular decisions in any way.but today, I found out my frist love is now pregnant..... and I'm not sure why I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I have always wondered what if, from time to time, and I have not hidden it from my wife. she is well aware of my feelings, and truthfully I would have this conversation with her, but she's asleep beside me.
Right now I'm just trying to figure out what my feelings are, and why I'm so damn confused.she's had guys in her life since me, and yes I've been a little jealous, but far more happy for her then anything else. I certainly didn't begrudge her that...I guess I've always thought shed be there, not as a rebound, or a safety, but just......I dunno.one thing I do know is that with a child will come a seriius relationship for her....I don't think I could see her just being friendly with that situation in mind, no there will be a relationship of some sort....I'm certainly not going to leave what I have here to run over there, lol she wouldn't have me anyway if I did that... I'm just a little lost on how I feel with the whole thing. I've told myself time and again thwt time would make it easier to forget the longing, but it never changed...I have my life here , and I love my wife and children, and my responsibilities, but I think the past will always somehow linger for me..
I guess now I just need to buck up bite my lip and deal with the life before me. My marriage will not be affected in any way by this, I just need to process what I'm actually feeling.and if my first love should ever read this, know that I do love you, I always will, I'm sorry I screwed it up, and I definitely will be here any time you need. Life goes on for both of us, and I support you living yours, and getting everything you deserve...please, don't take this rambling as anything other then a stupid man trying to figure out his own thoughts, feelings, and emotions over something that absolutely has nothing to do with him.......adieu in my insanity.....
Tide In ~