Now ~ Before ~ Profile ~ Guests ~ Notes ~ Links ~ Rings ~ Host

On 2015-12-16 at 10:51 a.m., lynx86 said:

"Im not in love with you...i never was.....ive known for months....."

What do i do with that? For eight years ive given my all,opened myself up in ways i was entirely uncomfortable with,tried my best....for much of it i felt i was alone in that...but i felt SOMEONE needed to show you how to love. So i kept trying.
I worked on communication,sex,intimacy,and so much more...
I have enjoyed much of our marriage,there were many happy times

I know i told you i wasnt in love with you either. I lied. Ive been trying to be ok,trying to support you in what you want,what makes you happy. But im not happy.
These men you have been talking to are succeeding in getting things out of you that i tried and failed.
I asked you about it,and your response" hes attractive"..... that cut deep.... i always believed you were at least attracted to me.....
Im not ready to move on.
Im not ready to see you move on so easily.
Im not ready to realize i wasted my effort.

To watch you move forward, it hurts to feel i meant so little. To know that i can be replaced so easily,when i thought i was giving you something only i could....
I did everything out of love,and im not perfect. I fucked up. A few times.

Ive wondered occasionaly if i simply convinced you you didnt love me....i dunno.

The thought that continually runs through my mind,is to wonder how someone could not love a person who has done everything they could to make them happy,who tried to always think of them before themselves...who held them when they needed it,and gave them everything they could....that is the heart of a could that mean so little...?

...i am angry. I am angry at myself most of all. I saw the signs,and kept going. I let myself get hurt,again,by trusting someone i loved with my heart...

I have always loved you. It was never a had won. You had a man that would do anything for you.that would move heaven and earth just to make you had a man women were jealous of you for. Not for his looks,but for what he would do for you.

I hope you never understand fully what you have walked away from...but it hurts to see you move on so replace something i thought was so special with the seeming difficulty of turning on a light.

You are loved. Not friendly,loved. You told me last night i have to stop kissing you that way....i dont want to. I want to wrap my arms around you,kiss you deeply and show you how loved you are.... but i have failed to show you how i love you....

Im trying. Im trying to be ok with this. The seeming ease of moving on that youre seeing is me hurting....its me forcing myself to move forward,when all i want to do is lay down,curl into a ball,and quit. I feel as if im not valuable,not worth your affection.... not worth your love.

For that reason im probably going to end up hurting some women...rebounding,lashing out....

Im not ok. Dont mistake me moving forward as me not caring. Im broken,i dont know what else to do. To me,i have two options,crumble and quit,or stand up and try,even though im going to end up fucking up more. Im choosing to try....i dont have any option as far as making us work.not any more.....

You are loved,never doubt that.

Tide In ~ Tide Out